I’m laying in bed, talking to you. I’m singing and I can feel your perfect smile, all the way from New York. Its hurts my heart and my head, what you’re doing to me. It has been a privilege to have my heart broken by you. I get distracted, mess up the song I learned just for you and begin to cry, because its just been one of those days. I apologize for messing up and sucking so bad but you tell me to stop and that I sounded fine. I quit for tonight. I tell you I love you and get off the phone. I turned off my light. It was only eight thirty. The worst was yet to come. I cry myself onto my bedroom floor, down the stairs, through the hallway and onto the bathroom floor where I’ve been so many times before. I open my drawer and choose my weapon of choice. My heart skips a beat in antticipation of finally feeling an escape from this hell called life. I slide it across my thigh, where they always go. This cut is deeper and much longer than its ever been before and I start to panic and scream and sob and I love you and I wish I could take it all back I think I’m in love with you and I want to die and it hurts everything hurts and I just want to sleep it away. But then I’d miss you too much. I crumble and reply to you because I’m breaking. You tell me to breathe and calm down and clean up all the blood and go to sleep. I wish it was that easy. I sit there for twenty minutes, forty minutes, an hour. Eventually I run out of tears and my hurt becomes anger and for five minutes, I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone before. I hate you for doing this to me, I hate you for making me feel this way and I hate you because I love you. I drag myself up the stairs filled with what seems to be sand because all of my emotions. It figures now they’d all come down on me, just when things are starting to be good again. I crawl into bed and turn off my lights. Its only 11:37, early for me. My night’s just beginning. I’m scared of what my mind will concoct in the silence and darkness. I pull my blanket over my head and curl my toes under. A wave of anxiety shivers through me and I just want to sleep like everyone else. But nothing’s ever that easy. Here come my night thoughts. My favorite fairy tale comes first, the one of us together. On a gray beach. Full of flat sand, and little rocks that sometimes hurt my feet to step on. I’m there, you’re there (as opposed to the usual. You’re there. I’m here.). Nothing has ever felt so right. No voices or contact to ruin what we have. I’m afraid to touch you or say anything or let anyone in because with the gentlest thought we’ll shatter. And it’ll be terrible. The obvious is difficult. I should already be gone, halfway around the world. But for now, I’ll just sit here, with my terrors and monsters. Waiting for you to come around. Maybe you never will, but that’s okay. I’ll be here, like I always have been.

(Source: raz-rblades)